mid-late teen crisis?!

So before I begin, I should tell you that I'm the type of person that always contains the hurt and sadness that I feel for months and months, and then after it’s been bottled up, I always explode and break out in tears. 

Now that part is out of the way, you may continue reading...

Last week I pretty much had a mental breakdown. My week was full of exams/assignments and work, and it ended with me breaking down after my accounting exam crying (my first, and probably not my last crying session at university). So that night, I stayed over at my sister/brother-in-laws house to escape (escape what? I don’t even know…) and the night concluded with me having the following thoughts…

1. I don’t know if I’m happy or not.
2. If you take away all the brief moments of happiness that I feel during the day, I always feel empty. When I’m by myself, I sometimes just stop feeling anything and I just feel… numb.
3. What am I doing with my life? I know I’m only 18, but I have no passion/motivation for anything and that really worries me.
4. I’m starting to worry that I’m studying business and law for my parents and not for me. I mean, I do find law really interesting (although it is difficult) and business is okay… but I just don’t know?! I want to make my parents happy because I do love them and I know they want me to study law/business because it’s in my best interest for my future career… but I think it’s slowly draining me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m not passionate about either subject, or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough.
5. And that brings me to my self-worth. I’ve always been a very confident and extroverted kind of person… I know when I’m good at certain things and when I’m not. Recently however, I keep thinking that I am good at things, but not good enough, and that I won’t make it in the real world.
6. On the outside, I appear to be a very bubbly, happy and loud girl… but I don’t know what’s happening with me on the inside. I feel confused and kind of lost.

So as I write this extremely depressing post, I’m trying not to shed tears… unfortunately… my friend just asked me on Facebook if I was okay, and I replied with, “I don’t know” and started crying. But it’s okay now! I’ve stopped crying… for now.

xx. claudia.

Ps. I’m not this depressing all the time… I promise!