#21

Today my friend, April, turned 21! 

No, we did not go out clubbing and no we did not get drunk. We were very mature and ate at a very fancy restaurant named 'Blackbird Bar & Grill' at Eagle Street Pier where 7 out of 10 of us girls ordered a steak because we didn't know what anything else was. 

The picture below is what I wore. Mama Choi was not very pleased with me showing my stomach but oh well! My shoes are from Windsor Smith and I LOVE THEM! Being a 159cm (5'2) tall girl means I am able to wear any type of shoe I want!! Unfortunately I am still significantly shorter than many of my friends. 

This picture below is of me and the beautiful birthday girl during dessert at Passiontree. 

The following two pictures are of Memy (left), April (middle) and me (right)... the second photo might be appear weird but we have this ongoing tradition where the three of us take a photo together with Memy being a loner on the side. We even have a Facebook album dedicated to these types of photos! Over the years, Memy has appeared sad in the photos, but recently, she has embraced her loneliness (which is evident through the second picture below!

xx. claudia.

mid-late teen crisis?!

So before I begin, I should tell you that I'm the type of person that always contains the hurt and sadness that I feel for months and months, and then after it’s been bottled up, I always explode and break out in tears. 

Now that part is out of the way, you may continue reading...

Last week I pretty much had a mental breakdown. My week was full of exams/assignments and work, and it ended with me breaking down after my accounting exam crying (my first, and probably not my last crying session at university). So that night, I stayed over at my sister/brother-in-laws house to escape (escape what? I don’t even know…) and the night concluded with me having the following thoughts…

1. I don’t know if I’m happy or not.
2. If you take away all the brief moments of happiness that I feel during the day, I always feel empty. When I’m by myself, I sometimes just stop feeling anything and I just feel… numb.
3. What am I doing with my life? I know I’m only 18, but I have no passion/motivation for anything and that really worries me.
4. I’m starting to worry that I’m studying business and law for my parents and not for me. I mean, I do find law really interesting (although it is difficult) and business is okay… but I just don’t know?! I want to make my parents happy because I do love them and I know they want me to study law/business because it’s in my best interest for my future career… but I think it’s slowly draining me. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m not passionate about either subject, or maybe it’s the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough.
5. And that brings me to my self-worth. I’ve always been a very confident and extroverted kind of person… I know when I’m good at certain things and when I’m not. Recently however, I keep thinking that I am good at things, but not good enough, and that I won’t make it in the real world.
6. On the outside, I appear to be a very bubbly, happy and loud girl… but I don’t know what’s happening with me on the inside. I feel confused and kind of lost.

So as I write this extremely depressing post, I’m trying not to shed tears… unfortunately… my friend just asked me on Facebook if I was okay, and I replied with, “I don’t know” and started crying. But it’s okay now! I’ve stopped crying… for now.

xx. claudia.

Ps. I’m not this depressing all the time… I promise!

Untitled.

I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this blog. Am I bored? Maybe. But I think the main reason is that I need a place to vent. I cannot promise you that my blog will be interesting or captivating in any way… I’ll be writing about superficial/materialistic things in my life like parties, clothing, boys and what not, but this blog will also be a way for me to record my feelings and deepest thoughts.

So to anyone reading this… My name is Claudia Choi, I am an 18-year-old studying full time… and this is my life.